Shopping Trip.... What?

I did something today that I'm not exactly proud of.

We needed to do a small shopping trip today. Claudine and I catagorize our shopping trips by need. There are trips where we need everything. We call that one everything and for those we don't even write out a shopping list because we know that everything that walk past and wonder if we need it, we will. Those trips need two carts because not only are we carrying at least two of the three kids (plus on diaper bag) in the carts, we are usually tossing in huge slabs of diapers and giant bulk packages of paper towels and toilet paper Those things take up space, man. On other days, we just need milk, soda, bread and couple of other things. A quick trip to 7-11 and CVS can take care of that and we don't even go to the grocery store. And then there are the trips like today. Trips where we have to go to a grocery store (CVS doesn't carry soy sauce). It was classified a small trip. We made out a list and off we went.

Both boys needed new shoes recently and we haven't been able to stop off and get them. I sugested that since it was a small shopping trip, she take to boys accross the parking lot to either Payless or K-Mart and get them shoes while I take Annie food shopping. We each had our phone with us so we figured that we'd just call to coordinate hooking back up. Off I went with my girl in her car seat which I slotted into the kid seat section of the shopping cart that was conveniently left in the parking space right next to my truck.

No sooner had we passed through the doors and into the produce section of the store than Annabel starts freaking out. Not just some pitiful whimpering, this was full on screaming. I don't know if there was a weird smell that only babies could smell or a scary thing painted on the ceiling (I always forget a baby's perspective on things), but she freaked. I started putting the list and stuff into my pocket before picking Annie up. As I'm doing this, I here people making comments like "poor thing" or "she's so cute". I'm just unbuckling Annie from her seat when a woman comes up, looks at me and says in a sing songy voice "Oh, daddy's beating her, daddy's beating her." WTF!? I look up at her showing the universal face for WTF. In the corner of my eye, I can see others showing the universal sign for WTF. The woman looks me right in the eye and says in her sing songy voice "Daddy's beating her, daddy's beating her." I am totally stunned. I can't get away from her fast enough, but still looking back at her like she has twelve heads. She doesn't seem to realize what she has said here. I don't think that she meant to actually accuse me of child abuse, I think she was just making a jokey little comment on what would make an infant scream like that. But still, when your baby looks like this, an accusation of child abuse is the last thing you want to deal with. As I made my dash towards the cucumbers and away from this woman, another woman came up to me and asked "did she just say what I think she said?" I said "yes, and she said it twice."

So now I've got a baby to calm down and now I'm flustered by the whole baby beating business. Now I'm thinking of all the cool, funny, cutting remarks I could have made. Should have made. I'm getting Annie calm and keeping my eye out for this woman so I don't run into her again. I'm continuing to shop so I'm pushing the cart with one hand, carrying Annie in the other. I'm trying to check things off on the list and put things in the cart all with one hand. I'm in the meat section. Is that what you call it, "the meat section"? Somehow that doesn't look right, but I can't think of what else you would call it. The meat aisle? Anyway, at this point, I'm still really pissed and flustered and not thinking clearly. I'm looking for some chicken when I see out of the corner of my eye an older gentleman and his wife. The guy turns to me.

And then I did something I never thought I would do.

I pretended I was deaf

I whipped my head around in surprise as if I had just noticed he was there. I pointed to my ear and then shrugged as if I couldn't hear what he was saying. I mimed the phrase "I'm sorry" to him. He got all apologetic and said "I'm sorry" back to me. Really loudly. As if I couldn't hear him. I smiled to him and his wife and then turned back to the task of selecting some chicken.

WTF? Why the hell did I do that?! I have no idea what came over me. Now I'm embarassed that I did this to this poor man.... yet also strangely satisfied that I was able to pull it off. And then it hit me. I have to act deaf the rest of the shopping trip! At least until this couple leaves the store. The more I thought about what I did, the more I realized how bad it was. Immediately I was thankful that I had put my cell phone in my pocket instead of clipping it to my belt like I usually do. Cell Phone!?! Shit, what if Claudine calls me? I can't answer it - that would be a dead giveaway. I can't really even respond if Annie cries unless I'm looking right at her. Crap crap crap crap crap

Now I'm reeling. I've completely forgotten about the child abuse woman because I've got to keep my eye out for this couple. And we were both about two thirds through the store so I figured that if I just slowed down and let them get out, I could go through the checkout without having to pretend that I was deaf. Because I don't know if I could have pulled it off. With my luck I would run into a checkout person who knew ASL. So I started stalling so they would get ahead of me. I started going down every aisle. Household Cleanser Aisle? Yep, gotta go down that one. Foils and Wraps? Oh yeah, I gotta get some wraps. Automotive and Pets Foods Aisle? Um... yeah. Gotta get some... bird seed and um... one of those pine tree air freshener thingys, yeah. Man, I'm doing a great job. They are just getting into a checkout line and I've got two aisles still to go. Excellent. I'll just take my time going through the frozen food aisle here and.... uh oh. Apparently they had forgotten something in the frozen food aisle. Could have been some Eggo waffles, maybe some Papa John Pizza. Whatever it was, here came kindly Older Guy up the aisle right towards me. All I had to do was smile and nod as he passed and I would have been fine. But no. I had to panic. For some reason I figured I had to really sell this deafness ruse I had started. So I put my head down looking at the baby (who I have put back in her seat on the cart) and started quietly.... God I am so embarassed by this.

I put my head down looking at the baby and started saying "Annie" over and over again. But I didn't say it like "Annie". I said it... um... like.... well, I said it like Marlee Matlin would say it. Yes. And I'm not proud of this. At all. And again, I have no idea where any of this came from. All I could think of as I passed him down the aisle was "Oh my God, what the hell am I doing?" I couldn't look him in the eye, so I have no idea what his reaction was. I am just so deeply ashamed and embarassed. Except in a small way, still strangely satisfied that I, apparently, was still getting away with this stupidity.

Now, I am completely dragging my feet, not wanting to get anywhere near the checkout line until they are out of the building. Now, even Annabel is looking at me with a face that says "What the hell are you doing? Idiot?" Maybe I was just imagining that, I'm not sure. I come around the corner of the last aisle and I see them in the middle of getting checked out. In a move I've never done in a grocery store before, I get in the longest checkout line possible. I wait there quietly watching them bag their stuff and get out of the store. I breathe a sigh of relief that I haven't been caught as a big fake jerk a-hole.

I know I am a jerk for having done this. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry that I did it. So shut up.