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Today I continuing with my public service of showing the proper way to request three wishes. This is especially helpful if you find yourself faced with a genie, monkey's paw or what have you. Yesterday I discussed my first wish and outlined all sorts of riders, addendums and conditions to make the wish actually what I want and not just a clever literary technique to backfire on me later. Today, wish number two.
Wish Number 2: The Ability to Have Total Control Over My Body.
Now just reading that makes it seem like I am a total klutzy spaz and/or possibly incontinent. Let me assure you this isn't the case (except I do get a little bloated after some dairy products, but that's not important now). But let me explain. My wish is to have total, absolute, 100% percent over everything that goes on in my body. Think about it. Now think about it again. No, you're still not getting it. Think of all the possibilities that come with that power. Still not getting it? Allow me to explain.
First of all, there are the obvious pluses that come with a wish like that. You would never have to worry about being overweight. Or underweight for that matter. You could "dial in" your personal body weight and that would be it. you could set it and forget it as they say. Ok, nobody says that, but you could. But then you could eat whatever you want and not gain (or lose) an ounce of weight. Just let that sink in a moment. No exercising to lose weight. You could still do any physical activity that you want - even do it better, quite frankly - but you don't need to do it to lose weight. You could eat an entire cheesecake, followed by the Sir Loin-A-Lot (the steak the size of a boogie board) and finish it off with a steel drum full of fat-laden macadamia nuts and still not gain an ounce (or gram, for our metric friends). And remember we're not talking about just controling your weight, but your entire appearence. You want to tighten up those abs? Just think about it and whamm-o! Instant six-pack. You want shapely calves and thighs? A little self visualization and boom! You're Betty Grable in high heels. No Abdominizer, no thigh master, no abs blaster, no thigh caster, no turkey baster! No exercize equipment at all! Ok, I've gotten a little too worked up by this - it's time to move on. I think you get the idea.
Let's move to other parts of your physical appearence. Let's talk hair. How cool would it be to not have to shave anymore? Anywhere? And I think you know what I'm talking about. You wouldn't have to shave your face, your legs, your.... your... well, you know (and more about those parts later). As a guy who is getting older, there is hair making appearances at the age of 39 that I could have never imagined at the age of 19. Poof, I could make that go away forever. Baldness? Thinning hair? Forget it. Grow it in slowly so no one notices or just get that ponytail over night. It's all at your command. Don't worry about your hair turning gray either. I mean, you could go to work a brunette in the morning and then go to dinner as a redhead at night. But you don't have to be gray if you don't want to. You can add streaks of pink or highlights of auburn just by thinking about it. And there is a monetary savings here. No shaving cream, no razors, no shampoo or conditioner, no salon or barber shops, no hair coloring. That stuff adds up.
Ok, this paragraph is all about the sex. Guys, you can finally add that inch (or inches... or feet really, but why?). You don't want to be too crazy with this but the cool thing is that you can always adjust to whoever you are with at the moment. Ladies, does your back hurt from too much of a good thing? Well, since you have complete control over your body, you could just stop your back from hurting, but you may just want to resize things to your liking. Conversely, others of you may want to increase the boobie size. It doesn't matter, your wish put you in charge. And again, you can resize them willy-nilly, so they can be whatever you want them to be. And forget about a bra. Just make them not sag. They're in your hands (hmmm.. interesting imagery). Just had a baby? You can recover like that (insert finger-snap there for maximum effect). That baby's head passing through you is no match for your magic-enchanced powers of recuperation.
Getting a tattoo would be just like watching Winky-Dink. If you didn't like your tattoo anymore, you just let your skin absorb it or sweat it out. Or if you like your tattoo, but need to get through that important job interview without everyone asking about the swastika on your forehead (I'm gonna get Google searches for this one), then just will the skin cells over the tattoo to return to your natural pigment for two hours. Then you're back out on the street and still eligible for that Charles Manson look-a-like contest. I realize that many people would say the whole point of getting a tattoo is because it is permenent and it would lose all meaning if it was "removable". And to that I say: Hey. Whose wish is this anyway? I'm just explaining would would be possible. Calm down.
On to more fun stuff. No more problem drinking and driving. You can just get behind the wheel and sober yourself up. You are in control. Feel like doing some heroin? Ok. Don't worry about getting physically addicted. Because all you have to do is just... don't get physically addicted. You can go to a party, drop a couple of tabs of acid, guzzle a bottle of Jeigermeister, smoke a giant bongful of pot, shoot heroin straight into your neck, down a case of Bud and still drive home, get some sleep and make it to work on time the next morning. But, really, you're at a party and you're in total control of your body, why sleep?
Now, that you have this cool body just the way you want it, you need to protect it. First thing is to rid your body of whatever crap is in it right now. Asthma? Get out. The beginning of kidney stones. Hit the road. Any type of cancer? Buh-bye. Any disease, virus or infection that you get from now on, you can just tell it to turn right around and go back where it came from. Send it packin' Nothing is going to get inside while you're the sheriff. You've got a tooth that's bothering you? No need to go to the pesky dentist, just make it grow back. And while you're at it, make all your teeth impervious to any type of decay. And make 'em a little whiter for God's sake. The rest of your perfect body doesn't want to drag along those brown, dingy, Chiclets.
There's a lot more to think about. From the mundane things like never having to cut your nails again (unless you want to) to more serious things like regrowing limbs. Or even adding a third hand and arm (as anyone who has tried to fix the brakes on a 1967 Ford Mustang has wished for) I mean, you'd be in your gargage, so as long as no one was watching, I'd say give your self another complete set of limbs. That way, you'd be done in half the time. Anyway, I'll let your imaginations run awhile with this wish. Come back for wish number three.
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