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Well, it is the last business day of the month. So what better way to spend that day than in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles getting my driver's license renewed. What's that? What are you saying? Oh. Why did I wait until the last business day of the month to get my license renewed? Um. Cause I'm an idiot and always, always, always wait until the very last minute?
Let me back up here and give you a little bit of back story. In New Jersey, you have the choice of having a driver's license with a picture or without. I've always liked having a license with my picture on it. It just saves on hassles when you need a picture ID. You don't have to remember to bring your passport or anything else. You already have your license with you. I don't understand why you would want a license without a picture, quite frankly. There is only one real benefit to having a license without a picture on it. And that is you can renew you license through the mail. Really. NJ DMV sent me my renewal forms somewhere around the first week of July. That's two whole months before my license expires on the last day of August. Well, why don't I just leave those forms right here on my desk so I can get to them, you know right away. All I had to do was write a check for $16, sign the form and send it back. Then (presumably before the last business day in August) I would recieve in the mail, a new, valid-for-4-years, NJ drivers license. Without a picture. 'Cause how are they gonna take your picture through the mail, dope?
Well, as I previously stated, I want a photo on my license. So all I have to do, is take my little behind to any of the convieniently located DMV offices throughout the beautiful Garden State. Before August 30th. And so I did. On August 28th. Because I didn't want to leave things for the last minute. Hey, I gave myself two days. At lunchtime on Wednesday, I nipped out to the Lodi, NJ DMV office. And found a line that backed out of the office and around the building. Hmmmm, this seems like a bad sign. So I went back to work, finished what I had to do and left early (around 2:45) to drive to the new, massive DMV office in Wayne, NJ. Where I found a line that backed out of the office and around the building. I couldn't even find a place to park this time. But as I drove around the back of the building, I was able to see at least 15 or 20 DMV employees sitting on old, beat-up couches having a cigarette. They weren't all sharing one cigarette. I meant that they all were having their own cigarette. But whatever, they didn't seem to be in all that big arush to get back in and start serving the fine citizens of NJ who were in line at the front of the building.
So I drove home. And as I was driving, I formulated a plan. I would get up really early on Friday morning and go to the picturesque Morristown, NJ DMV office, camp out in front of the door before they open, and get my damn license renewed, no matter how long it took. So that's what I did. The DMV offices opened at 8 AM. I got there at about 7:20. There were a few other cars in the lot with people who had the same idea I had. We all sat in our cars and waited. At around 7:35, a guy shows up, unlocks the door and procedes to move about the office setting it up for the day's business. Well. That was the signal for the 6 or 7 people who were waiting in their cars to hop out and rush the door. The door that had a giant sign, clearly declaring that business hours started at 8:00 AM. In they rushed, grabbing forms left and right, getting in line in front of the service window. In a few minutes, back out they stalked, getting chased out by the guy inside. And they were pissed for some reason. I had my window down and I could hear them complaining that "the guy shouldn't leave the door unlocked if he doesn't want people to come in". Well, jeez, maybe he wants his employees to be able to get in? After all, in running a DMV office, you would think that you might be dealing with customers that could read a sign with the business hours on it! But perhaps, I would be expecting too much.
But here is where the real trouble begins. Cause the people didn't go back to their cars. They formed a line at the door. Crap. That means if I want to keep my place in the grand scheme of things, I'm going to have to stand outside in a line for the next 25 minutes instead of sitting in my cushy truck. I grab my newspaper and head out to the back of the line. I'm going to be the 7th person in line. Not bad my any means of the imagination. Now things start to get weird. From the door fo the DMV, there is enough room for about 6 people to stand along the wall (adhearing to the "personal space" conventions that we have in this country) before the end of the building . If you turn the corner there is a nice long sidewalk along the edge of the building. Perfect for a line. So one guy is hanging at the corner of the building, functioning as the end of the line. He's not against the wall like the others. He's just out there. So here comes Alan. I walk around the guy and lean against the wall around the corner. Now I am the end of the line and I am making the line go around the corner. After a few minutes, another guy drives up and parks. He goes straight from his car to behind the other guy. Ignoring me. So the line continues straight out from the side of the building in the lot. I kind of chuckle under my breath and shake my head. Another person comes And gets behind the new other guy. I'm still against the wall. But the line is going on and forming without me. More people show up. And they all get at the end of the faux line. Except it isn't the faux line anymore. Mob rule has made my line of one the faux line. And I'm just kind of hanging out there. Now it gets weirder to me. Because the line is really sticking out into the parking lot now. Cars are having a difficult time getting around the snaking, badly formed line. But after those people park, they just keep forming the bad line, as if they didn't just hit the people in the line just a minute ago when they were driving. I couldn't figure it out. The only thing I could think of was that people wanted to see the door. Like they felt they would miss something or be left out, if they couldn't see the front door at all times.
But I didn't want to figure it out, because I had my own problems now. In my head, I kept wondering whether the guys at the corner thought I was in line or not. I mean they saw that I was there early. They saw me park my ass down against the wall. But when the doors opened was there going to ba a wiseguy that said, "Hey, you aren't in line!" And that is all my paranoid little mind could think of. I was getting myself all worked up, planning out little scenarios and snappy comebacks to any argument that could be made for me not being in line. All the while, I'm "inconspicuously" inching my way closer to the corner of the building and therefore the line. All this paranoia was for naught, because when the doors opened, I just slipped in the line with all the other sheep.
So now it's 8:03 AM and I'm window giving in my renewal form. Boom baby, I'm in! Four minutes later, they call my name to the cashier window where I pay my $18 (cause a picture on your license costs two bucks more!). Then five minutes later they call me to the picture taking window and snap what turns out to be a particularly bad photo of me that I will be stuck for the next four years. Couple minutes later they call my name, hand me my still-warm license and send my on my way.
It's 8:20 AM on the Friday before Labor Day. I'm already late for work. What should I do? Um. No. I think I'd rather play golf. So that's what I did. See. There are advantages to waiting until the last minute to do things.
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